Team Adventure 212/Specialized

Unsung Heroes

Bottle Bitch. Water Wench. Fluid Floozy. Liquid Lackey. Hydration Whore. We have been called many things, most of them derogatory. But let me introduce you to a new term for those of us who wait out in the heat, dirt, and bugs for the cyclists to come by to grab a bottle of perfectly chilled water without so much as a thanks. Hero. We are heroes. Amazing heroes who loom in the shadows, behind trees and rocks waiting to support their team of riders on their quest to the finish line. Alas, we will never see the view from atop the podium. We will never taste the sweet, sweet, slightly tangy, sort of citrusy taste of victory. But the riders wouldn’t either, not without their heroes.

Heroes have to train. This blogger learned that the hard way last summer. I’m 6’2, 220 lbs. and when the Adventure 212/Specialized team recruited me to pass out bottles at the legendary race known as “Ore to Shore” on the frozen tundra of Marquette Michigan, I thought that it was the role I was born to play. I vastly underestimated the task at hand. I was given a cooler full of colorful plastic bottles, each containing the optimal amount of pure, nourishing, 43 degree water. With bottles in hand, I headed out to a popular bottle distribution area on the course. I was confident…almost cocky. The temperature was hot that day, I quickly sweat through my red Adventure 212 “we ride, we rule” t-shirt. I contemplated breaking into my stash of water. But no! That was for the athletes.

The race began. I knew that, because Adventure 212 had the fastest and best looking riders, they would be at the front of the pack. I was right, for off in the distance, I could see the lead pack and there were several skinny, sinewy riders adorned with the traditional grey, orange, and red super-tight spandex shorts with butt/chode pads. It was my time to shine. I grabbed for the first bottle and immediately made eye contact with the one they call “Big D.” He appeared to be very thirsty. I extended my arm and we made the exchange, no problem. However, he turned and threw an empty bottle back at me. It found its mark on my forehead, knocking me to the unforgiving concrete. The wound stung like a bite from a demon cobra from the bowels of hell. I came to just in time to see Ryan ride by. Without a fresh bottle of water, Ryan became angry and called me a name that would be inappropriate to repeat. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymed with brother trucker. After that ordeal, I readied myself to pass a bottle to none other than the captain of the Adventure 212 team, Chris. He approached at an amazing speed, a vibrant blur against a backdrop of native coniferous trees of the tundra. I once again grabbed for a bottle and thrust it forward, stretching for the dehydrated rider. Oh no, in my childish haste I had forgotten to check the tightness of the cap. It was much too loose. Chris lunged for the life-bringing water container and as he made contact, the cap flew off into the fresh northern air. Time seemed to stand still as the bottle spiraled through the atmosphere spewing its contents all over me as Chris rode off, shaking his head in bitter disappointment. I was soaked. Luckily, the water that cascaded down my head effectively hid my tears.

Others came and went with similar results. Spit, fowl names, even a kick or two came my way. Lisa even attacked my ethnic heritage. The physical damage hurt, but it was nothing compared to the emotional torture that I had to endure. The deep mental cuts of that day are now scars with which I must live. I have vowed to never allow such events to occur again. I have begun a rigorous training regimen to be sure that 2011 will be a season of plentiful hydration. Squats, lunges, curls, plenty of cardio, and strict, focused ninja meditation fill my days. I even sleep with water bottles every night…not in the sex-type way, my relationship with the bottles is strictly business this year.

Who knows what the future brings? 2011 is mystery, an enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in spandex. But one thing is for sure, with heroic efforts from the trained, professional bottle crew, Adventure 212/Specialized will surely take its place among the elites, reigning supreme in the world of mountain bike racing once again.